Earlier today I tweeted (is that a word? OMG, it’s gonna become a word, just like “googled”.) that someone I don’t even know had sided with my monsters (meet them here, if you like) and thrown a shoe at me and my Thing. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can read Havi’s post about shoes here. I felt confused, a little angry, and depressed.
What happened
I’ve been working on and getting support with writing website content. It’s been a great experience, but it takes a lot out of me. And I’m still getting used to the vulnerable and sometimes painful places I’ve had to go in order to get really clear about what I’m up to. (Yes, I’m totally up to something!! But it’s a secret!) For the past month, I’ve worked incredibly hard on this, writing and re-writing, agonizing over every word. I think about it all the time. My Dad would say that I might’ve crossed the fine line between dedication and stupidity, but that’s a subject for another post. Let’s just say I’ve been focused.
I posted my recent draft in our forum area for feedback last night and felt okay about it. At least it was done. I told myself I’d take a break and get some distance – no editing, no checking the forum for feedback. Well, I made it to about noon today before checking the forum. So much for self-control. I scrolled through the comments that pertained to my work…. mostly positive…mostly positive… mostly positive … and right there in the middle was the sentence that sent me to the couch for the next two hours.
“But I’m not entirely convinced you can help.”
Hmmm….. where have I heard that before?
What I made it mean
My monsters streaked through the house, whooping and hollering. “Neener, neener, neener. You’re not good enough.” There were brightly colored flags and hula-hoops. ”Told ya so! Told ya so! ” The yellow one lit a firecracker and threw it in the garbage can. Boom! Monster pig-pile!! With me at the bottom. Garbage everywhere.
Oh, my aching head…. It didn’t help that I’ve been cutting down on my caffeine consumption. I really did have a headache (still do).
As my monsters partied in my living room, I sat on the couch and started to cry. I cried for the acknowledgement that I didn’t think I was getting and that I hadn’t given myself. I cried for the encouragement I knew I needed that I didn’t think I should want. I cried for the new sense of calling I’d been feeling in my heart about this work.
And then I got up, logged in to the forum, and asked for clarification. I saw that my monsters weren’t feeding on that particular comment, but the paragraph leading up to it which seemed to negate all of my hard work and revisions. Aaahhh, acknowledgement. Turns out, that was simply an error, a cut and paste gone wrong. And the statement about not being convinced I can help? Just a statement…. they weren’t convinced. As in, what I wrote didn’t convince them. Not, “You can’t help.” Completely different.
My monsters and I cleaned up the garbage. We made lemonade, got out the coloring books and crayons, and agreed to play nice for now.
